Radical Respect:
Have We Lost It From Our Youth Ministries?

Murray Brown

As I travel around the country speaking to youth leaders, it's clear that a number of them struggle with the lack of respect shown them by young people. As I've pondered on why this is and as I work with my own group of 11-13 yr olds, trying to instil into them respect, I've made some observations. They are by no means exhaustive but they are significant.

1. The Influence of Society

Society is focussed more on rights than respect. The recent debates concerning cartoons of the prophet Mohammed and the South Park episode of the Virgin Mary are indicative of this. The head of CanWest described the South Park episode as "satire" and talked about the "rights" of C4 viewers to watch what they want. Along with completely misunderstanding the nature of satire ("a literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit." www.dictionary.com) the response presupposes that given a choice between the right to see what we want and the obligation to show respect to others, the former is of more importance. What message does our youth ministry give to young people? Do we teach them the Jesus way of sacrifice their "rights" for the sake of others? Do we endeavour to give them what they need and not necessarily what they want? Or do we perpetuate the lie that rights are more important than respect.

2. Respect for Authority and Age

IT seems too few parents are teaching their children to respect authority and age. Rather they seek to be friends with their children and to appease them, whilst allowing them to escape the consequences of their actions. I'm not advocating a return to a time where children were afraid of their parents but I suspect the pendulum has swung too far the other way to the point where we see parents afraid of their children! Are we seeing this in youth groups too? Are we as leaders afraid of our young people? Are we afraid to discipline them in case they don't like us? Are we afraid to discipline them because they might go to another youth group?

Another less important point but worthy of thought (and I suspect some debate!): I was brought up to respect people my parent's age by addressing them as "Mr" or "Mrs". As a youth pastor I was always "Murray" to our young people. Now I lead 11-13 yr olds whose parents are often younger than me. I expect the young people to address me as "Mr Brown" and my co-leaders, who are all parents, are addressed by their surnames too. I want to make a point that leaders are not simply "friends" but are older, wiser people there to love them, care for them and teach them about Jesus. That's not to say all youth leaders should be referred to in such way!. I simply offer that as a thought to those of you who are closer in age to the parents than the young people themselves. I found as I got older as a youth pastor young people from homes with similar values didn't seem to know what to call me - so didn't call me anything at all! For my part I ignored the problem... "Mr Brown" made me feel so old!

3. Myths About Young People

I suspect too often as youth leaders we have bought into a series of myths about young people and youth ministry. Myths such as:

• Young people are incapable of periods of quiet concentration, therefore we cannot expect them to remain silent while we are up the front speaking. Truth: They manage to remain quiet (relatively!) through movies and in those classes at school where the teacher has control. Therefore it is developmentally possible! Yes we need to work hard at being interesting! But equally too they need to exercise self control - a fruit of God's Spirit.
• If discipline is too strict young people will stop coming. Truth: Discipline should not be harsh. It should be loving, gentle and firm. If our youth group is undisciplined and young people talk all through our small group and teaching times, it is those who want to learn who will become discouraged and stop coming.
• Young people are not that interested in God and faith. Therefore we can't expect them to remain focussed. Truth: True, some are not interested, and yet some at least are. These are the ones who will leave if the others hold sway. For those not interested, we can help them to learn to respect the rights of those who do want to listen. If we have low expectations for our young people then we are unlikely to see the spiritual passion develop that we desire.
• We are there to teach young people about Jesus - not to discipline them. If they just want to fool around it's not our problem. Truth: On the contrary, "discipline" and "discipleship" come from the same root word. How can we disciple young people if we refuse to discipline them?

What About Your Youth Group?

Do you struggle to get respect from young people in your youth group? Respect that sees them listen to you and do what you ask? Respect that doesn't see them answer back or simply ignore you? We can blame society, families and young people themselves all we want but it is up to us to do something about it.

Let me make some suggestions:

• Establish a culture of respect: "It's a Brand New Day!"- those who have done TARGET7 will be familiar with that quote! We begin by explaining to young people our expectations with regard to respect and what it means in practice - or better still we invite them to make suggestions. It will involve changes but regardless of what was permitted in the past, we need to communicate that we are now entering a "brand new day" and things will be different. Sell to them the dream: of a youth group where people genuine care for and show respect for each other.
• Love them and affirm them: The more young people know we deeply care about them the easier discipline becomes. We are able to make the tough calls and while they may not like it at the time they will know we are doing it for their own good. Look for ways to praise good behaviour . Last Sunday two boys in my small group were being disruptive but gradually improved. On the way out the door I praised them and thanked them for their good contributions toward the end.
• Enforce consequences: If young people can get away with a lack of respect then they will. The 11-13 yr olds in my youth group know that if they persist in being disrespectful they will be taken back into church to sit with their parents. As yet none have had to endure this embarrassment! I think they know I mean what I say!
• Be fair and appropriate: Don't major on the minors. If someone talks while you are talking don't threaten them with expulsion. Gently correct behaviour with the minimum fuss possible. If it persists, "fuss" a little more - as much as is necessary to alter the behaviour and no more.
• Respect young people: Never talk down to them or yell at them. Believe in them and speak to them using the same tone of voice you would use for their parents. If you want them to behave maturely, treat them as mature.
• Have fun! Don't allow this talk about discipline and respect to turn your youth group into a place where kids are scared to breathe! Have lots of fun and laughter... even noise! But teach that when its time to be silent then we all become attentive.

Finally...

It seems to me that one of the things that demoralises youth leaders the quickest is a lack of respect from young people. We can either bemoan this state of affairs and give up, or we can take constructive positive steps, not to "whip them into line" but to teach them what it means to respect one another, us as leaders and God. To do so is not an "optional extra" - it is a part of our commission to make disciples. Often the barrier to change is not the young people themselves but our own fears and insecurities as leaders, such as the desire to be liked and to be popular. Ironically, in the long run, it is the leaders who create an atmosphere of respect who are most highly regarded by young people.